


the things i know

by juliana_ravenclaw



Category: Scorpion (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Mentions of Blood, Pain, dealing with grief, idk if i should have tagged it as graphic depictions of violence, it's not extremely graphic but, wow i sure do love putting these two in pain don't i?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 03:59:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6549841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliana_ravenclaw/pseuds/juliana_ravenclaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The parallels between their first and last kiss were uncanny. Two similar situations, but in between were the thousand whispered ‘I love you’s, the many endless late night chats and the occasional fights that, looking back now, didn’t matter nearly as much as they had thought they had at the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the things i know

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work I posted ages ago on tumblr (like feb 2015) so it is very outdated, and if you feel like you've read it before, that's why. To put it into context of how old this fic is, I wrote it before their 'almost kiss' in Love Boat. I'm reposting it here just so I can have all of my fics in one place. 
> 
> It's still kinda set in the future though, cause I imagined Ralph to be a few years older, and that they'd be in a relationship a lot longer before marriage was on the table. 
> 
> Sorry for the extrememly cliche title, but 14 year old me was lazy and didn't bother coming up with a name for this story. 
> 
> Also, it was originally dedicated to Abby.

Happy hesitated. Her heart beat loudly in her ears as she placed her hand on the car door. She would be returning to the one place that would never stop inspiring memories of him. She bit her lip as she thought back to their first kiss.

As always, it was Toby trying to impress her, playing the hero and making sure she got a clear view of him risking his own life in an attempt to save the young child who had the unfortunate luck to be involved in the case they had been looking into. Partway through the mission, the communication devices had been cut off, leaving Happy a nervous wreck, devastated (thought she wouldn’t ever admit it) that in this time of need, the technology she relied so heavily on had failed her. She waited anxiously with the team, lashing out at anyone who tried to comfort her, refusing to admit she was deeply concerned for him, though it wouldn’t take a genius to know she was. Finally, someone rounded the corner.

All heads turned, but it was not the person they were looking for. It was the child, in tears, hysterical but safe, thanks to Toby. Happy insisted they get information of Toby’s whereabouts out of her, clashing with Paige, who wouldn’t let anyone talk to the young girl until she had calmed down. Happy was just about to practice that displacement technique they so often discussed when they heard his footsteps.

Relief flooded her heart as he stepped into view, slightly bloodied but safe and able to walk upright. They locked eyes and suddenly she didn’t care that everyone was watching. She didn’t care that he could be a condescending jerk sometimes or that to this day she was still afraid of letting people get to close to her. She only cared that he was alive and safe in front of her in that moment. He smirked as she ran up to him and was pleasantly surprised that when she threw her arms around him and kissed him full on the mouth. The kiss sweet and passionate and more than anything Toby had imagined and Happy could not ignore the butterflies in the pit of her stomach. Eventually, breathless, she pulled back to see, as expected, a cheeky smile plastered on his face and the excited twinkle in his eyes. He had stared at her for a while until she glared at him and asked sarcastically if he had a concussion, only to turn around and see Sylvester and Paige beaming at them.

If she could, she would live in that memory forever, despite the slight embarrassment afterwards. As it was, Happy returned to the present and found her lip bleeding. Wiping blood and tears off her face, she released the car door handle she had still been clenching and took a moment to gather herself and her stupid emotions again. She looked up indignantly, thinking about how much she still loved him and the tears came in a steadier flow.

The parallels between their first and last kiss were uncanny. Two similar situations, but in between were the thousand whispered ‘ _I love you_ ’s, the many endless late night chats and the occasional fights that, looking back now, didn’t matter nearly as much as they had thought they had at the time.

Paige, Ralph, Happy and Sylvester had all been waiting desperately for Toby and Walter to return. This had been a particularly dangerous mission for the cyclone, dealing with assassins more dangerous that the ‘Ghosts’ or anything else they had dealt with before. Almost shaking with fear, Paige and Happy had taken to comforting each other while Sylvester and Ralph dealt with the tech stuff required for the mission.

“Okay, we’ve got the drive, we’re getting out of here now,” they heard Walter say through the coms device.

Happy and Paige shot up, instantly alert. “About time,” Happy replied, in an attempt to sound annoyed.

“Are you guys all right?” Paige said.

“We’re fine. Calm down Happy, we’ll be there in a minute,” Toby assured his fiancé, hearing the anxiety in her voice.

Happy went silent for a moment, before saying, “Okay.”

As promised, Walter and Toby were soon jogging towards them with relieved expressions on their faces. As so many of her worst memories did, this scene had been ingrained into Happy’s brain with extreme detail. She remembered that Walter’s tie was blue and that Sylvester’s jumper was red and that they were next to a stop sign near the road. She distinctly remembered Toby’s shoes being gray and that his hat was slightly askew and the many nights she had spent trying to commit the look on his face to memory, because, as much as it pained her to remember it, she didn’t want to forget how gorgeous he looked in the dim light of the night.  Nor did she want to remember how pale his face was afterwards.

There were two gunshots that went off near them that evening. Happy only heard the first one. There was too much ringing in her ears for her to hear the second. The first one murdered the love of her life. The second killed the man in the window. The first one was shot by the man in the window. Happy was later told the second one was shot by Ralph Dineen, which saved Walter’s life, which Happy was eternally grateful for. Losing her soul mate was horrible enough. Losing her best friend as well as Toby, she didn’t even want to imagine.

The blood. The deep red blood contrasting with Toby’s white t-shirt haunted her memory for weeks after the incident. Happy had never liked the colour of blood, preferring the sleek black of machine oil.

Like their first kiss, Happy no longer cared about anything but him once she saw him fall. Ignoring the fact that she could be putting herself in danger and the muffled cries calling out for her and Toby, she ran up to him. By then, Toby already knew the wound was fatal.

“Stay with me, doc, tell me what to do,” Happy said, kneeling beside him.

Toby looked at her with a pained expression, knowing the only thing he would regret was leaving her. But he’d rather it this way than the other way around.

“Kiss me,” he said, trying for a smile. It didn’t work.

“Don’t be stupid – ”

“Please.”

They were both too smart to believe he could pull through this. So Happy gripped his hand and sobbed and ran her hand through his hair and kissed him and whispered ‘I love you’ in his ear one last time and then he was gone and it was no longer Toby Curtis but a corpse and a reminder to Happy of what she once had and what she would never have again. It didn’t matter that Happy didn’t believe in death, because the fact was that he was gone but Happy was still there and she could no longer talk to him and seek comfort in his arms and have him reassure her and do the same for him.

But the true torture came afterwards. The weeks where she would wake up and find that she was alone. That it was only her in the bed and that the kettle was cold and that the radio hadn’t been turned on and that the table was still neat and tidy. She was so used to his presence that she hadn’t even imagined what life might be like without him because when he was around all she could think of was him being around.

She didn’t go to his funeral. What was the point if he wasn’t going to be there? He had known she’d loved him. That was enough. She didn’t have to announce that to a ton of other people. So she sat at home and drowned in her sorrow by herself until the silence became deafening and she sought comfort in machines. She couldn’t return to the garage, not when there were still so many memories of him written across the walls and the team hadn’t even touched Toby’s desk since his death. So she went to her dad’s workshop, where Toby had only visited a couple times and she could lose herself in the work for hours and not think about anything else. Her dad had gone to the funeral so she was alone with the cars and machinery to do whatever she liked and not have anyone bother her or try to get her to open up.

And this would have been all right, except she came back the next day, and the day after that, and the many days after that, shoving aside her emotions by concentrating on what she knew best. Anyone who tried to get her to talk or eat anything got a simple ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m busy, I’ll talk to you later.’

Of course, they never got to talk to her later. Paige, Walter, Sylvester and even Cabe tried to talk to her after her dad reported his concern for her, but to no avail. Early in the morning to late at night, she didn’t stop until one day she went to pick up a particularly heavy hammer and found herself almost incapable of lifting it. She hadn’t been eating nearly enough and was severely dehydrated, leaving her weak, and, now that she thought about it, tired. And she realized she couldn’t deal with his death by not dealing with it, and that she couldn’t go on like this. Toby was dead. Toby was dead. There was nothing else to it. The love of her life had been ripped from her grasp and it sure as hell wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair.

_It wasn’t fair._

What had he done to deserve this?

What had _she_ done to deserve it?

A new strength seized her and she lifted the hammer and smashed whatever was in front of her. It didn’t matter what. Again and again the hammer went down. It’s not fair. It’s not fair it’s not fair it’s not fair! Did he not deserve to live? He had helped the team save so many people. And the idiot had to put himself in the line of fire. Didn’t he think of her? She screamed out in fury, bringing the hammer down again and something shattered.

A searing pain brought Happy’s mind back down to Earth. Something had sliced her arm. She swore loudly. The cut was about three inches long and fairly deep, but not as bad as-

No. No no no. The memory of his blood flashed in her mind and suddenly she was sobbing again with blood dripping down her arm.

“Happy? Oh my god, Happy!”

Paige had come to visit. “Oh god, where are the medical supplies?” She grabbed them and found a bandage to stop the bleeding, called Walter and Sly over, then sat down calmly, held Happy’s hand and let tears spill onto her cheeks as well.

“I miss him so much,” Happy said quietly. She had rarely said a word to anyone since he died, let alone anything to anyone about Toby.

“I miss him too,” Paige said wistfully. She and Toby had ended up being quite good friends.

Walter and Sylvester came in and Happy remembered for the first time since his death that she wasn’t the only one who had loved Toby and she also remembered that he wasn’t the only one that loved her because she still had friends and a family. Sly looked away while Walter treated Happy’s wound properly but nobody said what they were all thinking: Toby should’ve been the one doing that and it still wasn’t fair. But then they sat there together in silence until Walter said, “We have to pack up his desk.”

It had been there for a month now and nobody could bear to disturb it, but it sat there and seemed to be leaking out depressed vibes, reminding them constantly of their lost team member. So they all nodded even though they knew Happy still couldn’t return there.

“I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you boys do that, and Happy, Megan and I go for a girls’ weekend away?” Paige said.

“Paige, I don’t think – ” Walter started.

“That sounds good,” Happy said firmly, almost as if she was forcing herself to say it. But a weekend away from everything might be a good idea.

“Great. I’ll call Megan.”

Walter looked at her disapprovingly but didn’t argue.

So the girls went for a two days of spas, massages and pamper. For a while, Happy was able to forget about all the stress, all the sorrow and despair and laugh with Paige and Megan, and she found herself realizing that even though it would hurt (and oh, did it hurt), life would be okay. She would still miss him, but she would live her life, and at the end, whatever the end was, maybe they would be together again. But she knew they both wouldn’t mind how long away that might be.

And so they returned home, all three of them feeling much lighter and happier than before the well-deserved holiday, until they showed up at Paige’s place and found Walter waiting there for them.

“Walter, what’s wrong?” Megan had asked, seeing the look on her brother’s face.

 Walter took a deep breath, looked at them and said, “We cleaned Toby’s desk… and we found some things that we probably should’ve found a while ago.”

Happy felt a lump forming in her throat. “Cut the crap, Walt, what did you find?”

Walter handed her a letter, then handed Paige and Megan one, too.

“He… uh,” Walter choked, “He knew that this was a… dangerous job, and… didn’t want to leave without saying a proper goodbye.”

The pain was like a wave, crashing down on her, and like the sea, it insistently came splashed against her, eroding away any shred of happiness she had gained in the short trip. She didn’t understand why this hit her so hard; it was just a letter. But it was because this letter was the last piece of him, and reading that letter would be like being able to talk to him one more time, and once she opened the letter that would be it.  

“Take me home,” she said finally, her voice dry but devoid of emotion.

Paige faltered, unsure of what to do for a moment, then said, “Yeah, sure, of course.”

Three days, she spent, staring at the letter she had so carefully placed on the table. To open it would mean there would be absolutely nothing left of him. To not open it would mean she didn’t get to hear his last words to her. But she had to read it, because he would have wanted her to. He wrote it for her to read so she knew she had to. She broke the seal.

_To my beloved Happy Quinn,_

_I hope you never read this letter. I really do. But you and I both know we lead dangerous lives and we know there are dangerous people on this earth, so the probability of one of us getting killed or severely injured is high._

_And that’s just how our lives turned out. If we weren’t like this, things might be different, but I might also not have gotten the privilege of loving you. And I’d rather it be like this than any other way._

_If you’re reading this, I am probably dead because there is no way that I’d let you read this if I were alive. I don’t think I could bear the embarrassment. You make fun of me enough. But I’ll take the chance of you seeing this before I die, because if I do die, there are some things you need to know._

_I know a lot of things.  And I know enough things to know that I do not know everything. But I know I love you. And I know I will never love anyone else as I love you, and I know I say that in complete confidence. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but if that is not an option, loving you was privilege enough. You are strong, capable, talented, beautiful and simply an amazing person._

_And I wake up every morning asking myself how the hell I got so lucky and it is one of the many things I do not know._

_A simple letter feels inadequate to express everything I feel for you, because I can’t yet put it into words. But if someday I think of them, I will say them to you and hope I impress you. But have satisfaction in knowing that you currently consume almost every thought of mine, which is quite a feat, considering there are so many things to think about._

_But enough of that sappy crap. If I have died, I can only say this: I’m sorry I left you. But please, if you can do one last thing for me, please move on. Remember me, but don’t let it consume you. I couldn’t imagine what I would do without you, but I can’t stand to think that if I died you would be afraid to love again. So keep working with Scorpion. Don’t be so afraid to lose someone else that you never let anyone get close to you again. Because it might be scary, but it will be worth it.  Don’t block people out. Let yourself love and lose and live. And be happy._

_The last thing you need to know is that there is a fair bit of money in my bank account that I’ve been saving. It was for things we might need in the future, a home and whatever else, but if I’m dead, you can spend it however you like. It’s all yours._

_So these are my last words to you._

_I love you, Happy Quinn, and know that you are worth more than the universe to me._

_Love,_

_Dr. Tobias M. Curtis._

Happy had read that letter over and over until she had it memorized every last detail down to which ‘I’s he had forgotten to dot and where she could see he had nearly written something else. She kept the letter in a drawer beside her bed and looked at it every morning.

‘ _It might be scary, but it will be worth it,_ ’ he had said. He was right, she decided. She did not at all regret loving him. That was scary, and it hurt so much right now, but in the end, she concluded, it was worth it. It was more than worth it.

‘ _Keep working with Scorpion,’_ he had said.

So she listened to him and forced herself out of bed one morning and drove down to the garage. She hesitated to get out, thinking of all the times she had spent with him, and the time she had spent without. He knew she was strong. He knew she could do this. And for once, she didn’t want to prove him wrong. She only hoped he would be proud. So she entered the garage.

-

Happy was greeted with a warm welcome by her colleagues and friends. There were concerned smiles all around, but Happy seemed okay, if a bit red-eyed. And she smiled when Cabe came in and said, “Good to have you back, kid.”

But then she hesitantly called for a meeting of sorts, leaving the rest of the cyclone giving each other subtle nervous and questioning looks.

“I – uh…” Happy started. They were all looking at her earnestly. She took a deep breath. “Toby… he left me some money and… I wanted to use it to create a safe and stimulating place not just for us, but also for people, and more importantly, kids who are like us. What… what do you guys think?”

All four of her friends smiled proudly.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I was so optimistic about Megan staying alive. And I predicted that Happy was uncomfortable around blood! Go me!
> 
> Also, I feel like I should address the fact that tiny scorpling ralph (who's supposed to be like 15 in this story, but still) killed someone???? I don't know what I was thinking, but anyway. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the pain. =)


End file.
